I sent my child to school without lunch today
it’s day 2
yesterday was the first day
day after day her lunch returned home untouched
and my heart aches on so many levels
apparently she sits with two friends
one brings 1/2 a nutella sandwich, “which she hates”
the other, a bag of chips purchased from the vending machine
my child doesn’t eat what I send
she turns her nose at my offers of love
disguised as cut up chicken, tomatoes and chocolate kisses
or deconstructed nachos consisting of chips, salsa and shredded cheese (each packed separately)
or cheese and crackers
or portuguese roll and butter
or special ham from Zabars
brought lovingly from NYC by MY mama just for her
it’s a new time
my little girl is big
I’m not there to supervise, cajole, coddle, none of it
the other day I read an article about a son’s coming of age
it brought me to tears
I’m not prepared for this
I thought I had more time
it’s too soon
fortunately for me it’s very early in the morning
and she isn’t up yet so I climb into bed with her “to nuggle”
(a phrase we’ve used since she was a teeny tiny)
and breathe her in
she stretches exactly like she did as a baby
lips pursed, arms out in each direction
her sweet little girl smell has been replaced with something almost sour
the scent of growing up I guess
I touch her smooth skin, pull her close and breathe her in anyway
damn I love her so
I wake her and go downstairs to prepare
her single heart shaped pancake, dusted with powdered sugar
she’s not too big for that
she walks out the door
with no lunch packed lovingly from mama
no handwritten notes or little surprises
instead I text her to make sure she made the bus
“Glad you made it – I love you the most – have the best day”
I say
life moves so quickly
was possibility, liberation, JOY
that are every bit as important if not more
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